Gas in the Trench’s

The other night whilst cooking tea, my wife peeled a weapons grade onion! Never before have we found a more potent veg. My wife was in distress, living in a small caravan as we do, she was overcome by the gas from this weaponised onion. Very shortly after the onion gas filled the trench where I was sitting and soon had me more teary eyed than watching a sad movie. It continued to intensify. We opened up door and windows hoping it would dissipate the deadly klingy eye watering fumes, but it did nothing. The fumes just dripped off the curtains and crept along the sink for hours after. I think it must have been an undercover terrorist onion sent in by North Korea? Who knows? Did its job anyway, beware the weaponised onions!

These vehicles were used for transporting these onions, they didnt fare to well either the corrosive gas from the onions did its job!


Understanding Australian

You have two very similar statements, The first one is “WTF” and the other is “WTF” First one is “What the FUCK”. this one is used if someone drinks your beer or a strange sheila offers you indescribable gifts, or someone just stole your parking spot. The other one “Way Ta Fuck” simply means shit its a long way, or something went further than your imagination can understand. Both have very different meanings and should not be confused. Just understand the usage and use appropriately so no one uses one or the other on you!


Not quite Psalm 23


The Lord is Bill Gates, I shall not want
He maketh me to work in Windows
He leadeth me beside the Outlook Express
He restoreth my hard drive.
He leadeth me in the paths of programs for his names sake,
Yea, though I walk through the valley of Porn
I will fear no evil, for antivirus is with me.
Thy chat rooms and thy messenger,they comfort me.
Thou preparest a notepad before me in the presence of mine enemies.
Thou annointest my head with MP3,s, my cup runneth over.
Surely updates and downloads shall follow me all the days of my life.
And I will dwell in the house of Windows for ever.



TV watching

I was sat sitting here watching the adds on telly last night, couldnt understand what all the little bits of film was, playing between my adds, couldnt understand it as it was so disjointed and I completely forgot the theme between my beautiful adds, Just tiny short bits of some film, couldnt follow or understand why they would keep putting crap like that between my adds? And I do so enjoy it when adds are repeated twice dont you?


Dumb Arse

Today I was unhappy to use a card service fuel depot, what a bloody disaster? I offered up my card four times before I finally got it the right way around, then the card machine wanted my bowser number, well ok thats ok, turning around and looking at the bowser alongside my car noticed it was called “2” so I entered 2 and walked back to my car picked up the nozzle and it did not fire into life, CRAP! then I spotted that the bowser concerning my diesel was “1”, bugger ! turned out I had fired up the wrong bowser. Back to the card machine, nowhere to cancel? There was a button for help with a speaker, tried hollering into that, didnt raise a soul. Totally at a loss I put my card back in to arrange the right bowser and it printed a receipt for the unleaded I didnt take. At this point I am feeling totally ripped off, My wife says I will run over the road and buy a jerrycan to take home the unleaded! Wot a good idea? Waited until she arrived back, but the number 2 bowser had timed out. Bloody hell, I finally went back to card machine and ordered my diesel, finished off the transaction and was driving off feeling down after losing twenty bucks. Turns out as My wife was reading my receipts the machine was smarter than me and didnt charge me for number 2, but of course add thirty for the jerrycan, NOT MY DAY!


Stating the bleeding obvious…………..

As you stumble thru life you cant help noticing the signs we leave around willy nilly to aggravate the very deep fat layers of your body, I want to know why we have signs that say “Danger Deep Excavations” on sodding big holes in the ground, why would you bother to stick that over an open pit when its plainly obvious to all there is a crater in your way. And danger will befall you if you twonk about around it, the sign is not in Braille, so its not there for the blind, so it should be screamingly obvious without the sign, blind people have more sense anyway! Why would you need to be told in foot high letters, then there is stupidity called “New Work no lines marked” on new road surfaces. Let me again excrutiate BLOODY WHY? I can see there are no lines………..I know its unsafe to overtake! so why bother with the insult of the signage,? Again its not in Braille so blind people again know better. The conclusion to all this nonsense must be to pick up the tab for lesser fortunates that are too bloody daft to see the hole or the no lines or any of the rest of lifes tedium strewn around the countryside! Then of course you have the daft side that fall into the deep excavation and vow they didnt see the sign? What about the hole? didnt you see the flaming big hole? Oh well, another sign!


Updates Broke My Laptop


My laptop is broken, after only a few minor taps with my coffee cup! The other day I turned on my laptop just to quickly check my email , a quick event so I still had time to go to town……….so I thought? I turned it on and sipped my coffee waiting to get started. I hadnt turned it on in a week so expected a bit of mail, what I got was……..A windows update that just had to reboot my machine before anything else happened. Then after a reboot, the antivirus decided it was time to update in its entirety, another reboot, followed by its normal virus update, during this, various programs that sneak into your life via computer turn on all suffering update withdrawals, there was Adobe, and my firewall and the anti malware program and a few that didnt have names and they all wanted to reboot!!! Fifteen reboots later and I was feeling a little miffed and was gently goading the computer to step on it with my coffee cup, an hour had passed! My email was finally opening, and fiftythree adds for viagra, penis enlargement and the odd porn flick and no mail for me, sorry mailbox full ! My normally placid demeanor began to overheat with my tapping with the cup turning to frustration and obsession. And a downtown appointment looming, no, passing! Finally I found myself with a broken coffee cup, a broken screen and a slightly malformed keyboard……….and……..NO MAIL! My wife wont let me near her laptop, woe is me what can I do!