The importance of good coffee,
Sitting here near my kitchen window enjoying a cup of first class coffee, I don’t really care about my slightly surreal pandemonium that surrounds me. Down the driveway, sits my two year old Lizzie, in a muddy puddle two inches deep, slowly absorbing water up her clothing like a huge wick. Sammy meanwhile is rubbing her head and saying sorry sorry sorry, don’t tell mum. He had collided with her on his bike which was sharing the same puddle. I don’t care, my coffee is great! The neighbour has his lawnmower screaming blue murder cutting his “Lawn” and pelting the gravel over the fence into our car parked out front. Aaah, nothing is spoiling my coffee! Bella, our five year old just walked into the kitchen and blubbering and mumbling stuff that sounds alien, she has a runny nose, both barrels and a toffee intertwined in her hair. That will require scissors, hmmm, coffee is nice. The doggy door just slammed and in comes the dog with a bone he just dug up, dirt and grunge dropping all over the place. Yes, but the coffee? Feeling serene I watch life go by, detached from all the trauma insulated by the best cuppa ever. With a crash from the road my rubbish collection just became a delivery all over the path, dustman swearing like a trooper and kicking it into the gutter, oh well, kids will love resorting that when they find the gate open, wow, that coffee is soooo good, getting a bit lukewarm? The caffeine putting a buzz into my life. Picking up the jar to read the label, I noticed its nearly empty, oh no, no more, no bloody MORE!!! Turmoil, panic, now I am upset!! Dog is closest, start with him………………….
Phones and Watches
What have we become? I want a phone to make a phone call, and a watch should tell me when lunch is
due? But when you try to stay abreast of technology you get something that will not only make that
phone call or tell you of impending lunch, now these gadgets will shave the cat, cook your toast,
track your children connect with unwanted internet pages or tune up the car. Thats all well and good
but how do you get them setup in the first place, you study the manual, have a stiff drink and phone
a friend, thats if you can phone a friend at this stage? I bought a watch a while back and had
absolutely no idea how to set the bloody thing up. With RSI in my fingers from repeatedly pushing the
buttons and going crosseyed trying to read the dial, I went online and downloaded an eight page
manual on how to set up the stupid thing. Now it tells me the temperature in Uzbekistan, tells me the
time in London and how the tides and moon is upsetting my equilibrium and I had no idea how I set it
up. The battery has run flat and now it resides in my drawer, I have forgotten how to set it up. I
went out and bought another with no manual. My phone is not much better, try and make a call and I
either take a photo of my foot or connect to a cathouse in Thailand! Whatever happened to phones that
actually make calls, they had a big round dial on the front, you could satisfyingly stick your finger
in the right number hole and drag it right round and wait its return. Far more pleasure than
listening to that chirp bloody chirp the mobiles make, and they take the mickey out of you when they
ring, with all sorts of derogatory ring tones. OH GIVE ME MY OLD PHONE AND WATCH BACK!
I realised for the first time this winter, I am cold, I woke the other morning to my teeth cracking, one eye was frozen over and this little dribble on my chin was solid. I have started to creak and my blood is actually making a noise traversing my veins. I had to take my homebrew out of the fridge to cool off and while I was there it was tempting to see if the light really did go off inside? It was so much warmer than the kitchen. My car is slowly cracking in the driveway with a generous blanket of ice on the windscreen, hmmm? I have had to stoke the lounge fire with logs that would make the devil jealous and all its done so far is heat the mantlepiece. Woe is me! Yesterday I went to the chemist to fill my prescriptions and stood under the reverse cycle aircon and got slowly basted in heavenly warmth. I thought about making him an offer for tenancy.The weather forecast predicts more of the same, somebody tell me again about global warming? Is somebody not paying enough carbon tax?I will just sit here and chip the ice off my eyebrows and dream of coconuts and hula skirts…………………..
Life in the ‘hood gets ya down sometimes.
Would you believe it? The neighbourhood is going to the pack! It used to be relaxed and carefree with no
neighbours within cooee!. Now, Oh so different. The last couple to move in are next door and so close we
are almost toe to toe, and you know how hard it is to re locate! They argue and sway about, I think they
are high most of the time. The woman above, she even gave birth in front of everyone, no sense of
decorum, some! Oh, I wish I could move, but I am stuck here through no fault of my own. I used to travel,
flying all over the place, you would never know it to see me know. Sometimes I get depressed and feelings
of doom creep through my retched mind. Oh well, at least the weather is temperate, bit of a problem tho,
when the sun doesn’t go down anymore. It would be so nice to travel again, I think my first trip would be
to the butchers shop and get stuck in to a lovely steak. Not much chance of that around here. I must be
coming down with something, I have a loud buzzing noise in my head. Something more for me to ponder while
I fritter my life away, just hanging around here on this flypaper!
Firstly I must comment on the mars landing the other day, I want to know how the lander got out from under the junkpile that brought it down. With the lander swinging underneath like a soggy teabag, how did it avoid being crushed by the ironmongery just above it? Go figure……….now then, what would happen if the martians got slightly peeved with us sending sniffer dogs to their backyard, and returned the favour? Can you imagine something the size of a small sedan breaking down backyard fences as it snooped our rubbish heaps looking for signs of life? Here it comes its lazered the neighbors cat, drilled holes in my sulo bin drilled a hole in my car door looking for water and finally drank the dogs water. Or what if it landed in the CBD? and wandered thru the local supermarket and spent half an hour trying to get lifesigns out of a stack of supermarket trolleys? Or maybe in rushhour it decides to drill down in the roadbase on the freeway looking for something worthwhile to mine? All the while backing traffic up into the next postcode. Bags not being in that snarl. Suppose it did find lifesigns in some poor baglady or some wino under the bridge, that would probably turn off any desire to look for life here on this rock. Cant think of anything that would tempt a wayfaring martian here anyway! Keep an eye on your sulo bins for holes! Maybe you are missing a cat?
Im stuck in the mud, clutching my prize
Two big mudcrabs, my god what a size
I can see it now as I sink in the ooze
for tea, two muddies and a carton of booze
Stuck in the mangroves is not much of a joke
the mozzies, the sandflies sure pick on a bloke
lost one of me boots sunk up to my knees
amidst the tangle of these bloody trees.
If I can get out I know that I might
just get out of this place by the end of the night
but with a crab in each hand its awkward you see
and I,m damned If I,m gonna let the buggers go free
I,m stuck in the mud, clutching my prize
and the bloody mud now is up to my eyes
the worm has turned, that much is clear
but they can bloody well go and get there own beer!
Updates broke my laptop
Posted on August 29, 2012
My laptop is broken, after only a few minor taps with my coffee cup! The other day I turned on my laptop just to quickly check my email , a quick event so I still had time to go to town……….so I thought? I turned it on and sipped my coffee waiting to get started. I hadnt turned it on in a week so expected a bit of mail, what I got was……..A windows update that just had to reboot my machine before anything else happened. Then after a reboot, the antivirus decided it was time to update in its entirety, another reboot, followed by its normal virus update, during this, various programs that sneak into your life via computer turn on all suffering update withdrawals, there was Adobe, and my firewall and the anti malware program and a few that didnt have names and they all wanted to reboot!!! Fifteen reboots later and I was feeling a little miffed and was gently goading the computer to step on it with my coffee cup, an hour had passed! My email was finally opening, and fiftythree adds for viagra, penis enlargement and the odd porn flick and no mail for me, sorry mailbox full ! My normally placid demeanor began to overheat with my tapping with the cup turning to frustration and obsession. And a downtown appointment looming, no, passing! Finally I found myself with a broken coffee cup, a broken screen and a slightly malformed keyboard……….and……..NO MAIL! My wife wont let me near her laptop, woe is me what can I do!
I Have Learnt…………
Dont you hate phoning a company and find yourself talking to a computer? The computer gives you a choice of answers and then goes on to completely missunderstand anything you said and the clocks ticking! After a lengthy one sided conversation and then lengthy swearing to which the computer attempts to turn into something legible in its short vocabulary.AND ITS NOW LUNCHTIME AND YOU HAVE ACHIEVED NOTHING! Heres the answer to your woes……..you have two choices that will fast track you to a human, you can mumble something totally incoherent like “chipzenseegulls like merlot” or the one I find best is dont utter a sound, the computer will throw a minor tantrum and usually put you thru to the first human it can unload you to, mission acomplished! So Dont hang in line going mental, try this on your next visit to the company with the tinman on the desk. By the way it also works on the ones that give you number choices, (press one for a mental collapse). The tinman will feverishly tell you it didnt get your choice but hang in there with silence, this totally works!
My trolley squeaks.
Entering the supermarket, I chose the wrong trolley again!! This one squeaks, my movements tracked storewide with squeak squeak squeak with intermittent stops, aaaah the peace. Travelling the isles, plundering the shelves for my trolley, life went by in a quite interesting way. A mother and child passed going the other way and a snippet of conversation was overheard”……..no son, you don’t have to eat anything with eyes…..”. You round the corner and your way is blocked by a gaggle of short fat women and their trolleys in deep discussion about the bloke next door and the cat was off its tucker! Nobody made any move to unclutter the isle so you decide that that can of baked beans just wasn’t worth it! And as the trolley gets heavier you notice that not only does it squeak but now has a pronounced pull to the left and is much heavier to steer. That’s when you find out those beaut shiny chrome poles on the corner of the fridges are actually steering aids. Rebounding off them much improves directional aim. Fossicking around in the egg fridge is a fidgety sort of a bloke and he had more than half a dozen egg cartons open and was shuffling eggs from one carton to the other with the vision of a much superior carton of eggs. And just along the aisle was an old lady with a knitted jumper and beanie in canary yellow and I think she even had knitted ear rings. Down in the soap and personals isle there were a couple of people opening and trying the spray deodorants! A child in the next isle decides that mother was wrong about that bar of chocolate and wanted it now,, very loudly, the can of peas I was holding was vibrating in unison with the screams .scurrying away to put distance between the ear crushing child, you way is blocked, by someone distinctly overweight pushing a trolley,(not squeaking) brimming to overflow with things like bottles of coke, potato chips , tako shells and the like, squillions of calories and not an ounce of protein. As you work your way down the condiments isle looking for a packet of crushed black pepper you are suddenly confronted by a bag of buns and a plastic frog amongst the cooking oils, covertly dumped by a shopper too lazy to return them to the correct shelves! And still in the distance and traveling you can still here that malignant child with a penchant for chocolate being dragged towards the checkout.No smacks, not allowed these days! And check out the olive oil! Three litres for the price of a small car!! Didn’t know the Arabs controlled that oil as well. As you wrestle you trolley down the isles, getting electric shocks from the fixtures with static electricity, you cant help noticing all the must have items hanging by themselves off the end of fixtures, things like fuzzy darts and glow in the dark hair gel and bendy pencils and a ton of other naff stuff you haven’t a clue what it is. Made in China in some tiny village, how did that plastic glow in the dark thing land in my trolley. That’s right, my trolley hit the stack! Well, my trolley just wont steer anymore, so its time to check out. Such a busy store and when you get to the tills there are only two frazzled checkout girls working like Trojans to clear the deck. Somebody picked up an item without a price tag…..Oh NO! that’s worth at least another ten minutes.
In the next checkout there is a woman with her elderly mother with one of those walking frames on wheels, she led her mother through the checkout and parked her up against the wall, facing it. Stay there mum, was the comment while she went back to packing groceries, and there was mum pushing hard against the wall. Had she not have parked like that she would have taken off in an uncontrolled stagger in any given direction. Suddenly its my turn to get processed, the checkout girl firstly drinking from her water bottle, that seems to be the norm amongst young people these days. Then the final insult, that,ll be seventeen squillion dollars please, do want the stamps? You fumble with your eftpos card hoping to hell that you have enough money in the bank to cover it. Luckily, just a dollar left, with all your food now in cloth supermarket bags its off to the carpark, but listen…. Whats that dragging noise, oh yes, the handles are far too long on these bags and you have to hold them midway up your chest to avoid dragging.
But at least I don’t have that trolley !!!!
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged food | 1 Reply Edit
You think your day was bad?
Posted on July 16, 2012
Would you believe it? The neighbourhood is going to the pack! It used to be relaxed and carefree with no neighbours within cooee!. Now, Oh so different. The last couple to move in are next door and so close we are almost toe to toe, and you know how hard it is to re locate! They argue and sway about, I think they are high most of the time. The woman above, she even gave birth in front of everyone, no sense of decorum, some! Oh, I wish I could move, but I am stuck here through no fault of my own. I used to travel, flying all over the place, you would never know it to see me know. Sometimes I get depressed and feelings of doom creep through my retched mind. Oh well, at least the weather is temperate, bit of a problem tho, when the sun doesn’t go down anymore. It would be so nice to travel again, I think my first trip would be to the butchers shop and get stuck in to a lovely steak. Not much chance of that around here. I must be coming down with something, I have a loud buzzing noise in my head. Something more for me to ponder while I fritter my life away, just hanging around here on this flypaper!
I want my knobs back!
Nothing like it, cruising in my 4×4 bumping along the tracks with the music flowing over you like a river of delight, at least it would be if you could turn on the sodding radio! You see, mine is in the lower part of the centre panel in the dash. Herein lies the problem, me being an old fart and less than well equiped in the vision dept. There lies my stereo with the tiniest of pushbuttons marked by the tiniest of writing as to there purpose, and try as you might, its impossible to tell what button you are stabbing at while bumping along. First you select all of the bands and stereo and mono and accidentally wind up the volume. Your cd tray is popping in and out and the cd jumps up and jams in the side, bugger! All you want to do is listen to Macca on ABC and you have just misdialed something that sounds like a trainwreck and its making you really cranky. Especially since the volume is plus 40!! You cant help yourself, a blood curdling threat springs forth from your lips, but……….it didnt fix the problem, meanwhile this bloke is shouting this monotone song at you like hes trying to hammer in nails. Your finger has stabbed thirty buttons without once even coming close to ABC. GIVE ME MY KNOBS BACK!….I used to be able to crank up the volume and change programs by just twiddling a large knob, and watch the dial creep along fixed to its dial cord. And you knew when you got to the end of the string, you just reversed the process. A pair of huge knobs which turned so gracefully and never once threatened either my sanity or my arthritus in my hands. Never once did I have to worry about 5.1 surround sound stereo or any of that new fangled rubbish, just gimme me knobs back! Oh, where are you Macca?
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged cars, transportation | Leave a reply Edit
Stating the bleeding obvious!
Posted on July 13, 2012
As you stumble thru life you cant help noticing the signs we leave around willy nilly to aggravate the very deep fat layers of your body, I want to know why we have signs that say “Danger Deep Excavations” on sodding big holes in the ground, why would you bother to stick that over an open pit when its plainly obvious to all there is a crater in your way. And danger will befall you if you twonk about around it, the sign is not in Braille, so its not there for the blind, so it should be screamingly obvious without the sign, blind people have more sense anyway! Why would you need to be told in foot high letters, then there is stupidity called “New Work no lines marked” on new road surfaces. Let me again excrutiate BLOODY WHY? I can see there are no lines………..I know its unsafe to overtake! so why bother with the insult of the signage,? Again its not in Braille so blind people again Know better. The conclusion to all this nonsense must be to pick up the tab for lesser fortunates that are too bloody daft to see the hole or the no lines or any of the rest of lifes tedium strewn around the countryside! Then of course you have the daft side that fall into the deep excavation and vow they didnt see the sign? What about the hole? didnt you see the flaming big hole? Oh well, another sign!
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a reply Edit
Posted on July 12, 2012
Luv the Grandys!
Posted on June 27, 2012
I love my Grandkids
Last week my wife thought it would be nice to have the grandys over for a week, and so did I. Love em, known them since birth after all! We have three in this particular family, two under two years old. The eldest being nine, his job to provoke unrest between them if things got quiet. Hmmm, what arrived however, were two Tazzy tigers crossed with ferrets. Plus the ring leader. The two youngest arrived through the door and promptly disappeared at speed through the house, in different directions. Tweaking and dragging everything not locked away. By the time you have arrested one kiditron the other is vandalising the dog and the kitchen rubbish bin. It would be lovely if future models had noise reduction software and snooze buttons fitted, have you noticed children normally operate at 100 Db. One thing that should happen is old folks should be issued with tazers if you have grandys. That would be a most worthwhile worktool. My grand daughter is at present trying to correct my grammar through the use of the esc and F1 keys on my laptop, and ferreting through the laptop bag.This afternoon saw her squeegee down the glass sliding door leaving a delightful streak of used jam sandwich and something else! She looked like one of those stick on Garfield cats that used to be the rage. My dog thought the smear was pretty tasty anyway. The little guy yesterday was standing behind me tapping me on the backside and repeating gibberish along the lines of ” grun soo fin what num coo,” over and over relentlessly. I never worked out what he wanted! I have serious worries about grandys too as they all appear to be germ farms, having runny noses and flypaper sticky hands. Poor old grandparents being the unwitting recipients of ebola, scarlet fever and rabies from most kids. And, they miraculously rescue old biscuits and “different” objects from beneath the fridge. All of which they swallow like some frenzied gannet. The nine year old has been diligent and worked the youngest two into a frenzy over the trike outside, and fiddled and fixed throughout the house, cos he reckons hes bored?? My dog thinks mealtimes are good though as it snows food around the highchair. What kids do to food!! The highchair I reckon is in itself a device of torture designed to bring grown men to their knees with bits of missing skin along the way. Whoever worked out these things to open like a chinese wire puzzle………? The same people also designed the unopenable pram. They are going to bed now, that should take care of the next two hours, tucking and retucking them in, while they torture themselves screaming at 200 Db for things like glass of water, special teddy and a dozen other causes. Yesterday, I was awakened before dawn to all three River Dancing through the kitchen. It was still dark!
The other morning was a hoot, after the rain it was out in the driveway for trike riding, the eldest building Jumps for his pushbike, all the while with me hoping his engineering skills were up too par. A couple of times saw him coming to an instant halt when certain functional bits fell off his ramp. The young ones circling muddy puddles like frenzied ducks on trikes.Not sure if frenzied ducks ride trikes but you get the idea. After jumps our eldest asked if he could collect the eggs from the chooks. Ten minutes went by and he hadn’t returned so on checking I saw him standing there with the egg box door open and a motherly old chook had him bluffed, not shifting off the eggs. Both parties having a stare down over ownership of the eggs. I am at peace right now with them all angelically sleeping , everything right with the world apart from about a million leggo bricks that have invaded my floor. Oh, just noticed a small dribble on the top corner of my laptop. They are all going home tomorrow, …..I will miss them!
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged noise reduction software, snooze buttons |
Posted on June 4, 2012
I was standing in the chemist the other day waiting for my life giving pills, and I noticed on the counter a pack of bottles containing FISH OIL? Now I am not the sharpest knife in the drawer but I have never even seen a DIPSTICK on a fish? So where do they put the oil?